Rediscovering Self-Worth: A Journey from Expectations to Liberation
By Bedor Alobaidi photography of FIGMENT by Joelle Blanchard. Copyright ©️ received by the photographer/artist, September 24th.2024. Post written and published October 30.2024.
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I remember once I opened the geography book and got inspired by it and then shut that book off and went to sleep right ahead, I was easily turned off by it.. I remember when I opened an art book and from the first two pages a thought jumped right out into my head only to remind me of my limited experience in this life and no matter how much I give and put out there never sounded good enough because I was not too perfect according to a professional mindset friend has ever been seeing me.
They never told me that in the face but after several months that has passed, they came to my mind out of nowhere ; specially after months of silence only to confirm that whatever I have felt in my head was all correct.
The silent signs never really lies or gets misunderstood or misinterpreted when you sense someone preferring to distancing themselves from you just because you were too good at a place but their pride didn’t allow them to continue being friends nor should looking at you as their friends but they rather it has to come in another type of form that they thought I don’t really have it there and I was a temporarily appreciation to them while they already had their supply somewhere else, that made the perfection last better and longer. Or at least, it left that longer effect on them than me and it’s a matter of choice. I ended up losing the race of expectations once again and no wonder why all my friendships been broken down and shattered into thousand different pieces because someone else appeared in the picture, someone else had to be called the winner, someone else did it better than me, someone else come off as a plan B, someone else were always nice and cool whenever I am around.
But, do they really and genuinely stand out for me or is it their competitive nature that tells them to stop at a certain limit and pass me by because I can’t be their favorable stop. She is an indirect example of a person who didn’t play the role of a competitor to me rather that made her to be an influence, my personal influence to go ahead and finish up some level of education, or be knowledgeable about what I’m doing, trying to do, or have to show and share with friends, community and others.
This, and all of that come as a result of only improving myself in the eye 👁️ of myself but doesn’t have to be a way of approval. To correct someone’s opinion of their misjudgment or not to look at me and their approach from a differing viewpoint. Because when I was viewed that way or another by a friend. It is no longer a friendship rather a framed type of friendship filled with some type of expectation and a theory of how to just fit in with extra efforts to be included or to be considered close to them or to their circle of peers and friends. And since when I was a fit in kind of a person anyway? I don’t really remember 😊
But, if this was only a way to redirect my attention to a different path, a more interesting and meaningful path to see and start seeking; then I thank them a lot for it. Because they came as a result to improve myself away from them and from the pressure they hold upon me when the only thought and feeling they made me left with was I’m still not enough in some type of way or category. They left me all curious to go after the answer but there was no answer found except when I was exceptionally all forgotten about. And there should be a blame there too, no one to blame except myself because of my expectation.
And expectations do kill the oneself silently if it didn’t come the way it was hoped.
Since that moment, since that wake up call, I woken up to myself finally to find out that a shift was necessary to be made and no more delays should be allowed to be walking away like a loner wolf 🐺rather spending the rest of my life like a guided sheep 🐑. That moment, when there was nothing making sense or difference in my life, I decided to be me, to do me, rather waiting for somebody’s approval, responses and acceptance.
And this is such a liberating state of mind and being, how I wish everyone in this planet 🌎 to finally get into that destination. The destination that says: whenever and wherever you start seeing that you are losing your way out, make that way back to your original destination, to you. Yourself again. It will never fail you or knock you down. ❤️
Bedor Alobaidi
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